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The strange emotional toll of being the mainstream thought

Paul Renolis
7 min readJan 11, 2021

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Illustration by Joelle Avelino

FLASHBACK:

February 23, 2020: Ahmaud Arbery
March 13, 2020: Breonna Taylor
May 25, 2020: George Floyd

FLASHBACK:

January 1, 2009: Oscar Grant
February 26, 2012: Trayvon Martin
August 9, 2014: Michael Brown
July 13, 2015: Sandra Bland

FLASHBACK:

July 5, 2016: Alton Sterling
July 6, 2016: Philando Castile
July 2016: Black Lives Matter protests erupt around the U.S.

Tears fall down my face. I struggle to get out of bed to go to work; can I call out “black” today? I’m so stressed. I’m so exhausted. I’m always on edge, always on alert, looking over my shoulder. Am I next? Why can’t people understand? Why can’t people look at us in the eyes and see our humanity and beauty? Will it ever get better? Do I have the strength to keep pushing, to keep teaching, to keep explaining, to keep advocating? My shoulders feel heavy as if I’m carrying the entire weight of the world. I don’t think I can do this anymore.

FLASHBACK: November 8, 2016: Hillary Clinton loses the Presidential election.

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Paul Renolis
Paul Renolis

Written by Paul Renolis

Boston-based actor, chorographer, and writer that explores black joy. prenolis.com

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